The Dinner Guest
by Nostalgicmiss
Summary: Edward has the best of both worlds, a hot girlfriend, a great best friend. But how does a little Tequila and shots game to Kevin Smith movies change it all? One Shot for the Forbidden Love Affair Contest. A Colab from LeBig eLLe and Lady Kassmett AH/OOC


**Disclaimer:** Stephenie Meyer owns Twilight, but Emmett's CCCoD Belongs to Lady K and Jazzilla belongs to Le Big eLLe. lets face it, Steph didn't write about what's in their pants so they kinda belong to us. This comes to you from the wee addled brains of your fav Twi Twinnies.. Lady Kassmett and the Le Big eLLe.. aka Miztrezboo and Nostalgicmiss..

Sit back, relax, turn up the JT or rock out to Katy Perry.. and ... Enjoy

***Flourishing bow and wave as we sidestep of stage....*.**

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**And as usual.. the theme song to Epic TwiTwinnie fic telling...**

***read The Doghouse COUGH COUGH***

**"Mama, we all go to hell.  
Mama, we all go to hell.  
It's really quite pleasant  
Except for the smell,  
Mama, we all go to hell"**

_**MCR– WE SALUTE YOU! SHAAAWIIING! **_

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**Forbidden Love Affair"**

**A Contest of Hidden Desires**

**Penname:** Le Big eLLe & Lady Kassmett

(yep.. us again... Nostalgicmiss & miztrezboo)

**Title of One-Shot:** The Dinner Guest

**Pairing:** Alice/Edward/Bella

**POV:** Enormous Edward PEEN .. oh .. just Edward

**Rating:** M or NC-17

**Theme: **Pervy Perving on your Best Friends

**Word Count:** 5654 or Teeny Tiny.. like Alice :D

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I was late.

I was BEYOND late.

It was fucking ridiculous how late I was.

She was my best friend in the whole world and here I was completely forgetting that she had no car tonight and I was supposed to be picking her up.

Damn long lunch with the boys.

I swear, how _"Mayhem"_ magazine ever actually put together a solitary issue was beyond me.

If it wasn't Monday Morning Mai Tai's down at Marché, it was Hump Day Harvey Wallbangers at Harry Caray's Tavern, then Fifty-Fifty Fridays at the Four Seasons on East Pearson Street.

So I had thought today, being Tuesday, an as yet unnamed drinking day session would be fine for keeping on time for tonight's important date. Important on one hand because she was hardly ever in the country anymore and I truly missed her company and the other, I needed to check what I had planned for the day after was a good idea.

Then fucking Mike Newton.

The man was a thorn in my side.

He knows how easily lead Emmett and Jasper are. All you have to do is mention, most likely even think an alcoholic beverage and that's the end of the working day. And today had been going so well. I'd managed to get a lock down on interviewing Ben Graupner from this unsigned band, 100 Monkeys that Bella had been going on and on about. I'd got to work before our boss and my dad for a change who according to my mother lived here. Carlisle had actually complimented me on my efforts . . . always nice when daddy pats the good son on the back.

Then there was the fact because I had managed to sneak my way through the streets pre gridlock, I'd slipped my silver Volvo, pride and effing joy in the first car park by the door. The COVETED space that fucking Mike Newton, the prick, had been taunting me with for the past six months. Like the fucker even needed to drive, he lived two blocks away in some high-rise apartment complex yet he HAD to be seen in that outrageously large banana yellow hummer of his. Like the thing had even seen the great outdoors, let alone a speck of dirt. But that was Mike; everything was for show.

So my good mood at sticking it to the prick was riding me high through my entire day. I'd even managed to hide my laughter when he received a gay stripogram from his soon to be ex wife delivering the divorce papers. He should have known better than to screw around on Jess with her best friend. When it comes to chicks and their BFF's, you just don't go there. Nothing is secret; nothing is sacred, even with my girl and me.

Sure I was a guy, but our hold on each other was just as real and stronger even than the ones I had with my best guy pals. We went way back, elementary school back and she was the only one I turned to when things got really rough. I still remembered the day we first met; she predicted the school bully was going to get me as class ended for my lunch money. I'd laughed her off. But when it happened, she was the first one to offer me a hand up and from then on. I knew never to bet against her. She was my rock in all the bad times. Or when things were going really good. Like I hoped tonight would.

I just needed that extra seal of approval. That best friend nod and smile to know what I had planned for my future. A future that would permanently add to our twosome would be okay. Sure, I knew that the two of them were friends; that they got a long every time she was back in town and the three of us caught up. But I needed that reassurance. I needed the nod. The smile and the "How long have I been telling you to do this? I just KNOW it'll work out alright! Destiny Edward!"

I revved the car into third and turned down the last street towards her hotel. I was late, a full hour and a half late and all because of that fucking Mike NEWTON!

Mike FUCKING Newton and his Two Shot Tuesdays. Shots, shots that lead into chasers, which lead into a dart competition then more shots and more chasers; and all of this before lunch. It just went on and on and then the stories started. Just usual guy talk on who they'd recently banged. But with the names, it was always humorous.

Emmett and his Coke Can Cock of Doom conquest over Gemini Georgia, Jasper and his Mighty Jazzilla Peen and it's pounding of Peppermint Patsy's pussy. Mike and his, I rolled my eyes even thinking of it again, Wang of Destruction on some four-dollar hooker he'd picked up on the way home the night before. I'd nearly choked on my shot of Crown Royal when he mentioned that. From what I'd seen in the steam room at our gym, he really didn't have much to do any destruction with. More like he'd need a magnifying glass to even find the thing.

Then, as I pulled into the valet parking, she was there.

Her arms were crossed over her chest; her foot tapping impatiently on the pavement, the only indication I was already forgiven was the hint of a smile at the corner of her mouth. That was my Alice, my best friend; she would forgive me in a heartbeat, but not before torturing me completely.

"Jesus Cullen," her voice rang through the space of the car as she climbed in, "You sure as hell know how to keep a girl waiting, and I know Bella's gotta be happy about that. What the fuck happened?"

I leaned over the console and kissed her cheek before throwing the car in gear and pulling away from the curb. "Mike fucking Newton,"

"Ahh Douche Extraordinaire," Alice giggled, rifling through her oversized purse that had a designer logo painted all over the supple leather. I wasn't savvy to those fashionable accessories, so I didn't even try to decipher it.

"Exactly, he's still pissed about the strip-o-gram Jessica sent him, so guy time has been quadrupled."

"Still picking up hookers on street corners?"

I laughed at her lack of subtly as I nodded. I told Alice almost everything, and I knew that she and Bella had giggled about Mike's indiscretions on more than one occasions. I always had to pass the phone over when she called so they could catch up.

"What a moron, no wonder his wife kicked his stupid ass to the curb." Alice applied some frosted looking lip-gloss that made her lips look like candy. "Why do you and your guys friends continue to grace him with your company? I mean you're so much better than that Edward."

I shook my head and laughed, she made it sound so easy. "So, am I forgiven?"

"This once, but if it happens again you're toast and I will take your nuts back to Italy."

She fidgeted in her seat and pulled down the visor and began fluffing her short spiky hair. She always had to be perfect and even a simple car ride meant every hair had to be in place. She _was_ fashion; there was no other way to describe her.

Bella had more European designer clothes littering her closet than she knew what to do with. From the moment Alice had met her they had clicked. Heads always together as they whispered and giggled. It was refreshing to see Alice enjoying one of my girlfriends.

The last girl I had dated, a strawberry blond called Tanya, made Alice uncomfortable. I had only left them alone together once, but it was the last time. Alice had refused to be around the woman, but refused to tell me exactly what the problem was.

Needless to say, Tanya and I didn't last long after that. The last thing I heard was that she was in a threesome with Jasper's cousin and some other chick, and that Jasper's cousin spent most of the time watching the two women go at it.

"So, how's Bella?" Alice asked pulling me out of my memories.

"Really well, we've been spending more and more time together. In fact, I was hoping to ask your advice."

"You're gonna ask her to marry you already?"

"No," I laughed, shaking my head and watching her out of the corner of my eye. Her body relaxed back into the leather seats of the Volvo. That was unusual. "Why do you not think she's the one?"

"It's not that," her voice was quiet and she turned in her seat to face me. "I just thought it was a little too soon. Marriage is a big deal and I think you really need to know one another before something like that happens."

"Well, actually, I agree with you there. I was going to ask her to move in."

Alice's lips curled up at the corners again as her wide eyes looked up at me. "That . . . is a perfect idea. I think it's the best way to get to know someone better, do you think she wants to take the next step?"

"I think she does, we're just so compatible, Ali. I mean she's the most amazing woman I've ever met . . ." I paused as Alice raised her eyebrows, "With the exception of you, of course. She's so passionate and loving, she's always on my mind and I really can't imagine life without her."

"That's good, Edward. Honestly, if that's the way you feel it's the only logical step to take."

"Well what can I say, she spends most nights here anyway and she does make the worlds best blueberry flapjacks every Sunday without fail." I flinched as Alice's small hand came up and flicked my ear.

"It's not the 1940's Edward. I hope you realize she's not going to be at your beck and call just because she may be sleeping in your bed. There was a little thing called the women's revolution, you may recall, we burned bra's and such?" Her tone a little more serious than its usual veiled sarcasm.

I sighed, turning down the last street before my home in the burbs.

"I know that Ali. Can't a guy just be happy about having someone take care of him? Just a little. You know I'm hopeless in the kitchen. That's why Bella's back there now making-" she cut me off with a loud squeal which reverberated around the inside of the car.

"OH MY GOD! The Tequila Chicken Burritos! Tell me! Tell me that's what it is!" her hand now was on my arm, clutching it tightly in her pearly pink claws.

I winced, for someone so small she sure hid her strength well. Her nails were most likely going to leave marks.

I nodded, taking one hand off the wheel to free hers from my throbbing arm.

She was bouncing around in her seat.

"Ooh! Pull in to that Blockbuster over there. I'll be real quick, your a member right?" Her face was lit up in excitement. Which meant one thing.

"Ali! I have work tomorrow! I can't be up all night doing shots every time Jay says snootchy bootchies!" I pinched the bridge of my nose, knowing that even though I would complain loudly about this. I would give in.

It was too hard not to, because any time I tried. I'd get, THE face.

And sure enough, when I turned my gaze towards her.

The arms were crossed, her chin was stuck out and the lips were pulled in quite the show stopping pout.

Again, I sighed, flicking on the indicator and making the turn.

"Oh you KNOW you love it! We haven't played the Mallrats drinking game in forever. And its tradition Cullen! Plus . . . Bella already has the tequila for the chicken. We can't let a newly opened bottle of Mezcal go to waste!" The excitement at our old college game was evident in her eyes as they twinkled.

I put my hand to my heart and used my most serious of voices.

"That. My dear friend; would be a crime against the wonder that is pure liquid gold."

The bouncing in the seat slowed down a little as we both chuckled, pulling into the parking lot. I handed her my card and waited for her return.

What with my shots and chasers at the bar earlier in the day, this was looking like a long night. And with Dad knowing where we'd gone from work. I don't think a simple stomachache was going to get me out of heading to the office tomorrow.

Alice was the first to jump out of the car when we pulled up at the house. The door flung open before the car had even stopped completely. As much as I enjoyed my friend's enthusiasm, I couldn't help but laugh. She still had more energy than I knew what to do with.

I put the car in neutral and pulled up the handbrake before stepping out and laughing at the scene in front of me. Bella had both hands grasping on either side of the door jam as Alice ran at her. She was bracing herself, she already knew the energy that would be thrown at her from the tiny woman I had known most of my life.

"Bells, I feel like it's been such a long time, did you get the Versace I sent you from Venice, you'll never believe how many things I picked out for you, and the city, it's so romantic. You and Edward really should come and visit." Alice paused for breath, untangling herself from Bella's arms. "Oh and don't even get me started on Milan. The place is a fashion Mecca, I though Paris was the capitol, but you wouldn't believe it. We're moving the offices closer to the Epicentre of Milan."

"Breathe Alice, damn woman," Bella laughed, stepping out of the doorway to let Alice past. She grinned at me as I approached, her arms wrapping tightly around my neck as she kissed me on the lips, sucking subtly on my bottom lip. "Newton drag you all out again?"

I raised my eyebrows and her musical laughter reached me, my lips automatically ghosted across her collarbone. I loved to hear her laugh.

"Get a room you too," Alice sighed, her hand on her hips behind Bella. I could see her smile, she was happy for me; she could see just how much I loved this woman. Now I had my two favorite women surrounding me.

It was going to be a good night.

_**....... Twenty or so shots of Tequila later....**_

"Oh my god, I can't take, take, take anymuh" Everything was turning blurry.

Everything felt fuzzy and warm.

Bella's hair was on my face, so soft.

It felt like silk under my fingertips as I toyed with the ends, brushing them along the bridge of my nose like a paintbrush. Oh so soft and tickly.

"Belly . . . Belly..." I dropped her hair and ran my fingers across her arm, which was hanging down off the side of the couch I was leaning against.

How did I get on the floor again?

I sighed, watching what appeared to be the scene where Alyssa and Holden were kissing in the rain in Chasing Amy.

Shit.

Had I passed out that early?

The last shot I remember taking was when Jay was introducing Silent Bob's cousin to that chick. That must have been hours ago.

Not that I cared. I was feeling all sorts of wonderful.

Everything was warm and fuzzy and I had Bella's soft hair on my face, everything was looking blurry and I could wet smacking noises.

Smacking noises that sounded like kissing.

I turned on my side snuggling Bella's arm into my chest. I may not have had all of her to snuggle but her arm was close enough.

That kissing noise was getting annoying. I didn't remember that scene going on for that long.

"_Oh god... right . . . there . . . ungh . . . baby girl . . .oh yes . . ."_

I half-heartedly attempted to open my eyes. We must be up to the girl on girl action in the movie. But my eyes were so heavy and I was so warm under the throw blanket someone had put around me.

"_Shh . . . shh . . . shit god damn oh fuck . . .I'm soo close . . . !!!"_

Wow. Vocal movie.

I forced my eyes open to just have a peek. I am a guy after all.

Everything was hazy. So I returned to squinting. Still nothing but blurry moving out lines.

"_MOTHER FUCKIN HOLY BABY JEBUS IN A HANDBASKET HERE I CUUUUUM"_

**SLAP**

"FUCK!"

Bella's hand swung up and her elbow connected with my nose.

All I felt was blinding pain, white light shot over my eyes in a fiery flash.

Then everything faded to black.

I woke to a dark silent room, the blanket still covering me as I shifted; my nose was aching from the obvious discomfort from the accidental nose smack. I shifted and heard "A Donkey," Clerks II, I couldn't believe theses two were still watching this crap.

"_Oh Fuck, fuck, fuck, Nettare Severo,"_ The throaty voice, sounded familiar but I could have sworn it was coming from the other side of the room.

"_Right . . . fuck . . . shhh . . . there, oh baby . . . I'm a, I'm a . . ."_

"_You like that baby?"_

My eyes shot open as I realized both voices were female. How the fuck did I miss this the first time around. The damp sucking noise made perfect sense now, but even as sexy as the sound was and as prospect of two women biting and nibbling at one another. I couldn't keep my heavy eyes open. I would have to rewatch that at some point.

"_Damn, fuck, you fucking bitch deeper, oh fuck . . ."_

I slid all the way to floor and rolled over onto my side, my head was pounding and I was still completely drunk. I opened one eyes to focus on the dark. There were two bodies not far from where I was laying.

I smiled simply, it was Bella and Alice, and I was obviously having the best dream I had ever encountered. Alice's small frame was kneeling over Bella's head. Bella's perfect pink tongue flicked out gently as Alice was leaned over working something in and out of Bella's pussy, while her tongue flicked her clit.

I felt my cock stiffen uncomfortably in my pants and I shifted slowly. If this was a dream I was going to fucking use it, I licked my palm and gently worked my hand down the front of the sweats I had changed into when I felt myself getting tipsy.

My hard cock twitched in my hand as I fixated my eyes on the two girls wrestling for dominance beside me. I stroked myself once suppressing the groan that I so desperately wanted to release.

"_Sweet, fuck, oh fuck, right fucking THERE,"_

"_Shh, shh,"_ Alice lapped gently at my girlfriends folds as the hand on my dick picked up the pace, my thumb travelling over the head with each sweeping pass. There was the wet sound of the girls beside me and the gentle slap of my hand on my dick as I pushed and pulled the skin letting the pressured need built within me. Oh fuck this was the best dream I had had bar none.

I froze instinctively as they moved silently. They were changing positions or something and I wasn't ready for it to be over quite yet. I would hate to wake up from a dream like this. My hand stilled on my throbbing cock.

"_Do you have the strap on?"_

"_Always for you baby, I have a treat."_

Alice's small frame pulled her purse across the ground and grinned as she pulled out a strange shaped u piece of glass. Bella smirked wicked as she shuffled towards, her hot wet pussy almost touching hers.

What the fuck was this? Alice manoeuvred herself until her hips were tipped up to meet the position Bella was now in. She slid one end into Bella's hot wet core before sliding on to it herself. They both groaned quietly grinding their hips against one another as their hands and lips wandered.

I picked up the pace, my wrist moving my thumb circling the end and dragging it down the outer shaft as I shifted the skin, giving myself the sweet friction the scene in my mind helped me create.

This was beyond hot.

This was beyond every single one of my wet dreams.

Well, I was a guy after all and having a hot looking best friend who never tried anything on with you except for that one time at band camp. I'd never forgotten what that woman could do with a clarinet. WOOD wind instruments never looked the same after that.

"_Oh fuh baby, where did you.. fuh.. get this?"_ the dream Bella whimpered before taking dream Alice's perfect yet paid for full B cup breast into her mouth.

"**Il deposito adulto della femmina e del rubinetto**" in Milan.. oh fuh, mio caro!"

"_YES YES YEEEEEESS! OH God Alice, it turns me on so much when you speak Italian baby, mi amor" _

I sped my hand up and along my now quivering cock. I could feel that tightness in my balls that meant any moment now, I'd be pulsing in my own hand. I'd give anything to replace my hand for either one of the hot wet places that glass instrument was now deeply seated in.

What a fucking dream this was turning out to be?

"_Sì il mio amore, mio caro, voglio essere in voi, sono uno con voi, mio caro, mio soltanto, il mio segreto caro! Aiiiiiiiiiiiiii"_ they both started shaking violently, their hips rocking faster and faster as they and I headed to that last amazing place of wonder.

I tried to keep my own hips from pumping at the same rate. Even if this was a dream, i didn't want to alert them to my presence.

"_Oh shiiit, oh Aiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii" they both squealed and shuddered together._

I hit my peak at the same time, my hips lifting from the ground as I fisted my thickness up and down, spurting shot after hot shot of my own cum into my other hand.

Then, just as i was watching their tongues meet and caress each other outside of each of their lips. With a smile on my lips, I passed back into darkness.

**

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**

I groaned into the carpet as I felt toes digging into my ribs, they were persistent and the giggles we far more annoying than the offending foot.

"Leave me the fuck alone,"

"Now, now, Edward. Let's not be rude. I believe you were the one that refused to go to bed last night."

"Alice," I groaned, "I love you too, would you please fuck off."

My head was pounding and I was feeling like complete shit now. My back and entire body ached from sleeping on the floor, my head throbbed from the over abundance of shots. My hand and sweats were sticky as all hell, and I felt nauseas.

"Come on big boy, up and at them. You have work this morning."

"Oh damn, what time is it?"

"Six, you have plenty of time. Why don't you get up and take a shower. Bella's making breakfast."

I rolled onto my back and looked up at my friend, "I lucked out with that one."

"Yes, you sure as shit did Romeo, just get your ass up and hit the shower."

I groaned and sat up, keeping the hand I had obviously used during that dream, away from myself. I needed a shower and soon. I stank and I felt like shit. After seeing that in my dream I was hornier as all hell.

I made my way to the half bath and washed my hands, checking out my reflection in the mirror. I looked like absolute shit. I tried to do something with the scruffiness that emanated for me before facing my girl. I headed into the kitchen where Bella was cooking and Alice was perched on a stool at the counter.

I sauntered up behind her and placed my hands on her hips, burying my face in her neck, breathing her in. She always smelt so wonderful. I let my hands roam across her stomach before pulling her back into me.

"Morning Baby,"

"Morning handsome, I'm making hotcakes, how about you jump your happy ass into the shower before I finish up."

"Mmm," I hummed into her neck, moving up towards her ear. I took the small fleshy part of her ear between my teeth, her hips rocked back making her ass rub against my throbbing cock.

"How about you join me?"

I heard her soft sigh before I was disturbed by a snicker behind me. I turned my head to look at Alice and smiled, before giving her the birdie.

"We have company, you jump your happy ass in and we'll pick this up again later tonight." Bella whispered under her breath.

I pressed my aching cock into her tight rear again before laying one last open mouth kiss on her long neck.

"Ugh Edward, stop attacking her! Bella's right, you smell like lemons and Tequila and not at all in a good way," Alice screwed up her nose, moving from the stool and around into the kitchen.

"And I suppose you think your just a bucket of roses right now?" I turned my head letting my lips kiss their way down along her near naked shoulder, stopping only when I got to the thin shoulder strap of her singlet.

"I should be, I have at least _showered_ this morning," Alice giggled, popping herself up on the bench beside Bella, snatching one of the silver dollar sized sweet cakes off the plate and squashing it whole in her mouth.

"Well then, if Ali is already here and she's already clean..." I brought a hand that had been resting on Bella's waist up and under the thin cotton of her top and roughly squeezed her nipple between my fingers eliciting a loud squeal from her mouth.

Then her perfect rump pushed me away, I stumbled hitting the back of my head on the fridge.

Stupid small kitchenette.

"Too late buddy, Bella's nice and clean, from top to bottom," Alice chuckled, winking at Bella.

"Awe Alice! Don't tell me you conned her into "saving the environment" by showering together! You should know by now Bella's just not THAT into you!" I moaned, rubbing at the back of my head. I knew Alice swung both ways, but I also was FAIRLY certain my girl was into one thing for her breakfast menu. Sausage meat. She was always keen on eating mine.

Bella dropped the egg flip, and lay her hand on Alice's knee, slowly stroking her finger tips upwards stopping just short of the tiny pink silk shorts of Alice's pyjama bottoms.

I gulped.

"Are you sure about that Edward? Sometimes a girl needs a taste of the forbidden fruit," Bella's voice was low and husky, the same tone she used when seducing me into the sack. Not that I ever said no, but I liked to let her think she had some type of power over me.

"Very funny," I rolled my eyes, heading off to the shower. It was very apparent I wasn't going to be getting Bella wet with me now.

"Just don't let her eat all your goodies Bella, and save me some syrup too!" I called as I headed down the hall. Hearing a round of girly giggles behind me.

It was a difficult walk to the bathroom. With having what felt like a miniature third leg straining in my sweats. My dick was now that hard it was hurting. Even though we'd been kidding around in the kitchen, seeing Bella's hand on Alice's leg like that combined with my most realistic dreams last night sent the blood flow to one spot in particular.

Now with Alice being cockblock extraordinaire I didn't have anyone in here to help me out with my not so little problem.

"Well Mrs Palmer," I raised my hand to my face, the hot water pounding on my neck as i bent my head over, letting the water stream down my back.

"Looks like i'll be taking you and your daughters out for breakfast after all,"

I took my throbbing cock in my hand again, for the second time in twenty four hours and rubbed one out.

I hadn't had to please myself in so long, since before Bella and I met. This felt so strangely high school. I wonder how long is appropriate to let Alice hang out before shuffling her out the door? Lucky I remembered at some point last night to text Dad and tell him I was taking a personal day today.

Plenty of time to swap my hand for something a little more warm and moist later in the day.

Perhaps, all day.

Damn, that thought alone got me back to half mast.

_Down boy, later we'll take over Bella and her lush lower lips_

I quickly put on the clothes that were strangely enough set out on my still made bed.

Alice. Aparantly I still wasn't allowed to dress myself.

I snickered, grabbing the box that held Bella's housekey, the one I hoped she'd actually want to put on her keyring and take the next step in our relationship with. Maybe when Ali left I'd be able to talk to her and she'd say yes and then we'd get to the loving. Maybe even rechristen the carpet in the living room something like what I'd seen in my dream last night.

With me actually having the a real dick and not a fake one.

Again I willed my little Edward down and headed back out to the kitchen.

"_Fuck, Fuck... oh Fuck.. FUCK!" _

Jebus! That was Alice! She sounded like she was in pain!

Maybe Bella's klutzy ways had somehow got her hurt in the kitchen!

There were knives in there after all. She hadn't been using one when I left, but this was Bella I was talking about.

Put her in an bubble wrap covered room and I'm sure she'd find a way to get a bruise.

I rounded the corner, walking more quickly than before and was a little surprised to see Bella's hand between Alice's thighs.

"Um?" Was the only word I could get out.

Bella's head snapped around as they both looked at me with wide eyes.

"Bella was just helping me wipe up some syrup," Alice breathed out.

"Bella, Bella, Bella," I chuckled, walking back to my previous position behind Bella's beautiful ass.

"I mean, I know you have a thing for syrup babe, but we do have another bottle in the cupboard," I slipped my arms back around her waist, my fingers toying with drawstring on her navy blue shorts.

"Don't suppose you'd share?" i asked, pulling the hand that still lay on alice's leg up towards my mouth. I could see the syrup glistening on the tips of two of her fingers.

I figured they'd teased me this morning, time for a little payback.

I quickly sucked Bella's fingers into my mouth, licking every little drop of the sticky liquid from the tips.

"Mmm, um Babe. It think I will get that new syrup out. This one tastes funky. Kind of, off," I scrunched up my face, dropping Bella's hand and picking up the bottle beside Alice.

The date said it was fine. Hmm, maybe it was just me?

"I don't think there's anything wrong with it Edward, it's Nettare Dolce," Alice winked at Bella, sending them both into giggles.

I really did need to learn Italian.

_**..........Six Months Later...................**_

I was late.

I was BEYOND late.

It was fucking ridiculous how late I was.

At least I wasn't meant to be picking her up this time. All I had to do was grab the tequila and head on home.

That was more than three hours ago.

FUCKING MIKE NEWTON!

After WORK drinks this time.

This session didn't even have a name.

Which, I'm sure after tonight it would do.

I squealed the Volvo around the corner and left a trail of black marks into our drive.

Bella wouldn't be pleased but, oh well.

I grabbed the extra large bottle of Mezcal and bag of Lemons and bolted out of the car and up to the door.

"He'll be late, we can probably get in a round before he gets home. I've got this amazing double ended dildo I want us to try,"

Giggles.

"And he still doesn't know!"

My arms gave way, dropping down beside me as I listened to the conversation behind the door I was obviously not supposed to hear.

"Let's just say Italian isn't his strong point,"

Giggles again.

I pushed the door open.

"_Di congettura femmine ancora,__"_

Guess again bitches

Looks like all those lessons paid off in the end.

The twin looks of shock on both my naked girlfriend and best friend would be amusing if i wasn't such a mix of turned on and pissed off.

"I want in."

I slammed the door closed with my foot behind me.

* * *

****

"We're damned after all.  
Through fortune and flame we fall.  
And if you can stay then I'll show you the way,  
To return from the ashes you crawl"

_**MCR – Mama**_

aka

**Lady Kassmett & Le BIG eLLe theme song…**

**EPIC and HILARIOUS... well we think so... A/N...**

**Le Big eLLe**: ok we shall do our silly sign off again I think that was a highlight

**Lady Kassmett:** well it was for us lol

**Le Big eLLe**: this is true our convo was immortalized into the world of fanfic

**Lady Kassmett**: forever and ever, amen

can i get AN AMEN!

**Le Big eLLe:** AMEN

Hallelujah praise the lord

**Lady Kassmett**: **shakes it off like.. whats that guy who wore the cape? oh yeh.. james brown**

**Le Big eLLe:** **Hands in airs**

**Lady Kassmett:** **AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGHHHHHH PRAISE DE LORD**

**Le Big eLLe**: **Brushes shoulders off like that rap star**

**Lady Kassmett**: **Thank ya baybe Jebus!**

**Le Big eLLe**: AMEN

**Lady Kassmett**: i think the saying baby jebus is possibly one of the best funny sayings ever

**Le Big eLLe:** yesh I would have to agree with that

**Lady Kassmett:** otay.. epic writing time.. hush ya'll

**Le Big eLLe**: K

**Lady Kassmett**: **and the crowd goes silent.... as Lady Kasmett lines up the final shot of the day**

**Le Big eLLe**: **murmur**

**Lady Kassmett:** **and yes.. i'm talking golfing terms**

**Le Big eLLe**: Noice Lady Kassmett!

**Drags Mind from gutter and Wrings it out**

Lady Kassmett: **grabs it out of your hands and throws it back in the deep end to float around with mine**

what are you DOING??

we LIVE in the gutter!

**Le Big eLLe:** That's right total Replays, my bad

**Le Big eLLe:** *whispers*

Should I tell you that I am downloading the 100 Monkeys from iTunes as we speak

**Lady Kassmett:** hahah yesh... i told Lammy to do that the other night

**Le Big eLLe**: The New one

I remember her saying

**Lady Kassmett:** some album?

**Le Big eLLe:** Monster de Lux

OMFG

Monster

LMFAO

**Lady Kassmett**: JP!

OMG

!!

**Lady Kassmett:** Maybe he is AWARE of your name **;)**

**Le Big eLLe:** Coinkidinnk . . . I think not

That would be schweet

**Lady Kassmett:** I wonder what's going to happen now Eddikins closed the door?

**Le Big eLLe:** I think he's gonna get his jollies off with his ladt friends

*lady

**Lady Kassmett:** **giggles** maybe have a little taste of the Nettare Dolce himself huh?

**Le Big eLLe:** didn't he already LMAO

**Lady Kassmett**: **snort** yesh.. i do believe it wasn't just SYRUP he licked off Bella's fingers

Something

FISHY

some would say **;)**

**Le Big eLLe:** Puffer or sucker

**Lady Kassmett:** Sucker on one hand

puffer below the belt

he's rather.. well endowed **;)**

**Le Big eLLe:** Nice go girlies

Nice big Cullen Peen

**Lady Kassmett:** an EEE to go with our CCCoD and MJP

Wow.. we do talk in acronyms a LOT

**Le Big eLLe**: and the other CCC

**Lady Kassmett:** and the PPP

Le Big eLLe: We really do

TFFS

TEEGUTBEE

VIMH

**Lady Kassmett:** hehhe TEEGUTBEE

i always imagine a bee flying around a teabag laying on a great big fat bell of a sweaty dirty man when we say that one

**Le Big eLLe:** Ohh Remind me to put te pretty for this up on the sfs thread

**Lady Kassmett**: four shore! **giggles as Kellmett's CCCoD pokes me in the back**, i think he's getting rather randy from all this PPP talking **;)**

**Le Big eLLe: **

Who knew

**Jazilla's in hollywood, I have to play with the special guest**

**Lady Kassmett:** oo a special guest?

**Le Big eLLe**: Heck Yesh

**Lady Kassmett**: Whomever could take the place of the mighty MJP?

**Le Big eLLe:** The one I am trading off with you on Friday

**Lady Kassmett:** ooooooh.. **who is it again?**

**Le Big eLLe:** **Waves to Jacob, but not tay tay Jacob that would be bad!**

**Lady Kassmett:** oh.. what's a little jailbait when he's THAT hot.

have you seen the boys guns??

**Le Big eLLe:** Yesh I have but still that's also breaking my more than ten years younger rule

**Lady Kassmett**: nearly as good as Zac Efron's **drools and goes back to looking a last weeks Happy Trails Tuesday pic**

**Le Big eLLe:** I don't go more than ten years up or down . . . it's a rule

lol

**Lady Kassmett:** hmm mine's 5.. but.. in imagination land.. EVERYTHING is acceptable

**Le Big eLLe:** Hmm I never considered that

Tay was never Jacob in my mind

**Lady Kassmett:** Isn't that right my little Kellmett **pats his dark curls**

Yesh, you are in lurve with Steven Strait

**Le Big eLLe**: Jacob in my mind was . . . WOW

Nope the boy in my head was betterer

man in my head

**Lady Kassmett**: Who could be beterere than that?

**Le Big eLLe:** A person conjured in the subconscious Eddie

The Perfect Man

**Lady Kassmett:** Oh... like a wicked mix of them all

Oh Patsy! there is no such thing!

**Le Big eLLe:** Yesh

That's why it's in my head

**:D**

**Lady Kassmett:** ahh. but we ish TwiTwinnies.. i should be able to see this?

Maybe we're malfunctioning **:O**

**Le Big eLLe**: Hang on I will think it you will see it

**Lady Kassmett: strokes Kellmett's head lovingly whilst waiting for vision**

I feel like Alice...

**Le Big eLLe**: **Thinks of last of the Mohicans**

**Running up the side of a mountain**

**Lady Kassmett: **I'm seeing...

trees....

oooh...

**Le Big eLLe: **yesh . . .

**Lady Kassmett: **Oh

OH

OH

OH  
OH

OH

OMG

Le Big eLLe: *Smiles

YEsh

You see

**Lady Kassmett: pushes kellmett off lap and heads out of the CCCoD cave**

WHERE CAN I FIND HIM!

**Le Big eLLe: Taps Head**

Set him free

**Lady Kassmett: **Oh.. yehs.. well.. i'll be over after some Kellmett and Embrysaur lovin to play **;)**

**Le Big eLLe: **He is my Jacob

Quilasaurus Rex says hi

**Lady Kassmett: waves hi to Quilasaurus Rex** Remind me to let the boys out later, they can go play together in the Wild Peen Plains. Lammy's Carlisle and Paul are out there already

and why are they out there?

and not with Lammy?

**Le Big eLLe: **Well you see

That's the same place as Jazzilla

He's Playing in his band, ya know 100 Monkeys

Lammy's going to play . . . I means see him **:D**

**Lady Kassmett**: Are you sharing?

GAH

**Le Big eLLe: Grins** I is

**Lady Kassmett**: there is a JT encroaching!!

JT ALERT!

**Le Big eLLe: **.

**Lady Kassmett: **. Call the Peen home!

Bring in the dog!

Put out the cat!

Yakkety Yak

And Don't Talk Back

_Le Big eLLe1979: Cry Me A River - Justin Timberlake & Timbaland_

**Le Big eLLe:** Look at My Music

**Lady Kassmett**: oh look at that! Cry Me A River!

**Le Big eLLe:** **Doing the Robot**

Danger Will Robinson

**Lady Kassmett**: **cracks out the break dancing**

**kellmett and Embrysaurus watch on bopping heads in time**

Danger has passed.

**phew**

**Le Big eLLe**: **Phew**

**Lady Kassmett**: ooh.. umm.. the dancing... has kind of turned the boys on

**gets picked up and thrown over Kellmett's shoulders**

**Le Big eLLe:** Rut Roh

**Lady Kassmett:** may have to **giggles**

sign off!

**Le Big eLLe:** **Pinkie in corner of Mouth**

**Lady Kassmett:** **pinkie in corner of my mini me mouth**

**Le Big eLLe:** Ok I am changing the song

**Lady Kassmett:** **kellmett slaps my ass and says he's gonna fuck me six ways from sunday as my dancing was that epic and also.. the finger thing.. gets the CCCoD to TWITCHIN**

_Le Big eLLe: SexyBack - Justin Timberlake_

**Le Big eLLe:** This is for Jazz

**Lady Kassmett:** Yesh.. sexyback..

Jazzilla has more than just a sexy back though

**Le Big eLLe:** Well it's the video

**Lady Kassmett:** what about the video?

**Le Big eLLe:** I am watching it

lol

**Lady Kassmett:** and dreaming that JT is actually MJP?

**Le Big eLLe**: JT Is one fine ass mofo

**Lady Kassmett:** cept aparantly he's crap live..

**Le Big eLLe:** Really

he's hawt and MJP is reserved for Jacksper alone girl

**Lady Kassmett: **

Sorry bout the MJP thingy.. i feel the same way about my CCCoD

**Le Big eLLe:** **bottom lip trembles**

**Lady Kassmett:** Don't cry a River Le Big eLLe!

**Le Big eLLe:** **Dances to Sexy Back**

**Jazz just spoke to me telepathically**

**Lady Kassmett:** oh yesh?

_Le Big eLLe: I Kissed a Girl - Katy Perry_

**Lady Kassmett:** Are you kising girls now??

Katy Perry rocks but...

i never knew you batted for the other side?

**Le Big eLLe:** Haha song for the one shot

I like Peen honey

**Lady Kassmett:** Ate of other juices ?

Le Big eLLe: Sausage, weiner

**Lady Kassmett**: ooooooooh..

right

**Le Big eLLe**: sign off

**Click Capow**

**Lady Kassmett**: Oo was that a gun or the Jake's Jumbo Junk going off?

**Le Big eLLe:** JJJ

**Lady Kassmett:** **snort** you really should save that for the privacy of the Jungle Treehouse **:P**

**Le Big eLLe:** Hmmm MJP

I really should

**apologizes**

**Lady Kassmett:** i think its time to bring the boys on home

call the wild peen in from the plains

**Le Big eLLe**: **Sniffle** I miss Jazzilila

**Lady Kassmett:** **sniffle** I miss that I can't sing his song..

**Le Big eLLe:** It's okay We can sing Sexy Back and Bring Rob on home

Robward

I should say

and Quilasaurus Rex

**Lady Kassmett:** la la la LAAAA la la LAAAAA **tunes voice up**

**Le Big eLLe**: **Clears throat**

**Lady Kassmett:** HOw does it start again? lol

**Le Big eLLe:** I'm Bringing sexy back **Yeah**

Them other Fellas don't know how to act **Yeah**

**Lady Kassmett**: nup.. drawing a blank.. your gonna have to take this one on your own

Damn cold and flu tablets

**Le Big eLLe:** I think you're special, what's behind your back? **Yeah  
**So turn around and I'll pick up the slack. **Yeah**

Take it to the Bridge

**See's the herd coming**

Stampede

**Lady Kassmett:** ut oh

**Lady Kassmett:** **jumps on Kellmetts back as he rushes us homeward out of the road**

**Le Big eLLe**: **Giggles as Robward slaps ass as he passes** noice

Ut oh Quilasaurus Rex is charging full speed ahead

**Runs**

**Lady Kassmett:** **tugs on Embrysaurs chain to keep him with us**

**Lady Kassmett:** THAT"s why you need to collar em silly!

**Le Big eLLe:** **Shakes a saurus Treat**

Crisis over Phew

**Lady Kassmett:** Till next time, Cuddle a CCCoD (seriously.. if you don't know WHAT that is.. have you read our other one shot that we're gonna continue.. THE DOGHOUSE! Get too eet and leave us some LURVE)

**Le Big eLLe** : Save a horse and ride a Jacksper *sniffle* Come home to me after you finish singing in Hollywood! *rewinds the tape in preparation and sings softly along*

_Jazzilla_

_Jazilla_

_Peen of the jungle_

_Friend to your oonie_

_Jazilla_

_Jazilla_

_Peen of the Jungle_

_Won't you come home to me_

**Did you know 50% of the fanfic population is or has been at some point starved of attention?**

You have the opportunity to help, for every review you give the boys of** The Lady Kassmett and Le Big eLLe Foundation for Starving For a Review Foundation** will take off an article of clothing.

Once Nekkid, these boys will perform feats that will amaze and astound you, they aren't known as **CCCoD** and **Jazzilla** for the size of their **feet.**

So open up your hearts, stretch your fingers and hit the little button in the middle that begs your attention**.**

Thank You

_This has been a PSA from the House of Squirily Stub for_

**The Lady Kassmett and Le Big eLLe Foundation for Starving For a Review Foundation**

**_A Foundation WITHIN A Foundation_ **


End file.
